she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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