Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
