Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
