i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
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My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
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It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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