im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
