Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
