you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
