I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
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