Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
