Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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