in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
