I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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