enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
