I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
