we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
