I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
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Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
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Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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