At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
