Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
