I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
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we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
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Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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