I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
