I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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