So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
