Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
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His new job just became new places to have sex at.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
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The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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