She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
