I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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