My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
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