hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
