Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
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You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
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No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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