barbara walters just said penis...
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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