how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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