So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
whose ass print is on the piano?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
