everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
This is my gift to your gina
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
