No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize