remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
