I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
