sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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