omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
