Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Houston, we have a squirter
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
