i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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