i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Randomize
