No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
