so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
