you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
