You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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