How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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