That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
