I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
