when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
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