Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
