32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
