I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
