Yo dont text me then not text me
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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