I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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