I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
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Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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