Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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