Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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